you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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