Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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