I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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