Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
