So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
