Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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