and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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