I accidentally burped into my bong.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
