Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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