Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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