Someone shit on the floor
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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