We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
