Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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