I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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