Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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