I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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