I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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