The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
