it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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