the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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