They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
