Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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