last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
