guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
