It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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