she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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