The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
