Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
