There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
