My sheets look like a crime scene.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize