so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
soo... how was my night?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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