One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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