He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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