My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize