Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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