I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
