sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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