Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
