She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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