I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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