I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
