i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
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