that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
