Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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