Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
