She told me I should be a condom model.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
