Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
nutella sex= disaster
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
