Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize