Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
