I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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