You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize