You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
