I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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