Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just gift wrapped bread.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
