So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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