Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
