there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
