my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
