i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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